As the title suggests as of October 27th, 2019, I am half-way through my study abroad experience, give or take a few days depending on how you count it. Today was a day filled with melancholia. I realized I am having the best time here and not sure how this will translate going back home. I have made so many amazing friends and already challenged myself more then I could ever imagine.
I hate driving, and living in a city with accessible transport has made me feel like a real adult. I have to manage my Oyster card, and I can do what I want without relying on someone to drive me. It is so liberating to decide to get up one day and go into the city and explore. I love this independence and has taught me more about my travel style when I am on my own. London can be very expensive, but it can also be affordable. I have been able to visit so many museums for free or at a reduced rate. I love being within an arms reach of art and history and use the city as my classroom. I love how London is a hotspot for performers and talent, and every week, a new show is premiering, or another person I admire is taking the stage.
I love my friends here. We all have to support each other and put incredible trust into another. Traveling with other people means you have to keep an eye out for them, and they do the same. This is one of the most extreme trust exercises and has taught me to trust in people more. While here, I have had weird imposter syndrome, like "why do these people ask me how my day is? Why do these people even want to join them? Why do people like me?" I have never made friends so easily. I am slow to trust and show who I am, but here it all moves so fast you have to believe in friendship. Going back home, I will try to be more open and less willing to shut people down based on first impressions.
But friendship is also the main reason for melancholia. Here I have people ready at a moment's notice to do something cool. It is still a bit like a vacation, though that perception does change when faced with an essay. I am going to miss these people so frickin' much. I have never been the type to be sad about friendships ending. I usually pull away before I can feel sad. Protect me from feeling sad. But here I don't want to do that. I want to feel sad when I miss them, even if I don't want us to all split up and go about our lives.
Worry is also tinging my mind. I worry I won't have friends when I return. I worry everything has changed and I won't be able to keep up. I worry that I have changed, and then people will leave as a result. I know we all have seasons, and that might be my winter. I might hop back into therapy. I worry I might outgrow my home and will want to move on. I am worried I won't have a support network when I get back and that everyone has moved on. I don't expect anyone to have put their life on hold, nor do I want them to, but I worry about the isolation.
My melancholia has also been the reason I have been slow to post. It feels like when I write it down; the event is over. I think, if I can keep this memory to myself, then it hasn't finished, and it can keep going. Of course, this is foolish, but writing it down seems like carvings in a headstone, final, ended, closed. I know I started this blog to write down the cool stuff, and I am going to get back on the horse and keep going. I do enjoy writing like this and hope to continue when I get home.
Okay, this has been a bit sad, so let me list my top five things I have done here in no particular order.
Brighton beach and pier
Seeing Mary Poppins
Taking my Belief and Unbelief class
Visiting Notting Hill
Taking care of the chickens
This has been a mid-semester/half-way point reflection. Kinda sad but I want to be honest and remember this feeling. I hope to have a giant update post coming soon!